Steady

Steady has been God's method for me, but I typically run around from task to thing to person like a frenzied squirrel. I hate being that way but am aware that it's a result of not taking time to restore my spirit and soul. Mindful discipline and attention to the values I am committed to save me from the wreckage of thought-less, obligatory, conditioned responses to appeals from the world at large that are like a sugar high that crashes and burns within days, if not hours. 

How hard it is for us humans to slow down. S.L.O.W.D.O.W.N. Yet once you make the choice to spend time daily in meditation, reading God's word, and taking a Shabbat once a week, you'll find you can't live without it. It's not a secret but it so simple that people dismiss its power to restore.  

But don't beat yourself with measurement - the stats of your meditation time. It's not about doing, it's about being. And it takes a while to slow our role. I promise you that a month of meditation, including walks in the woods, mindful of God's love for us through creation, taking 5 minutes to watch the sun go down, will make you a happier, calm, and intentional person. 

The intentional part is the payoff. You don't get as easily distracted by the 'sugar' that floats in and out (Netflix), and that's because you have taken time to remind yourself (and be reminded) of what matters. In fact, I'm less offended, less angry, and more patient because I have taken time to listen to God. It makes me more human and less consumer.

This was the case last weekend. Over the fourth, I was able to do an 8 and 3-mile hike with the pack. While hiking, my mind turns to why. Why do I do this? What is the psychological motivation behind why I hike? I know there are many facets to that answer but one came to me on Saturday that caught me off-guard, so much so that I wept on the trail. I came to the conclusion that my loving and generally long-suffering disposition is often interpreted by others, and even by me, as weakness. This thought pains me deeply, takes my breath away. Though I am who I am, that belief pushes me to work harder and seek out challenges to compensate for the softness of my heart. 

On the trail near Pentoga

Which then got me thinking of a recent situation when I discovered a "friend" in whom I had confided turned out to not be a friend, who was only kind to my face and in reality, despised me. The loss of the friendship was quickly processed in my heart, but a year and a half later, I'm still shell-shocked and angry at myself over how I was deceived into sharing the depths of my heart. This residual is called "dirty pain" by some. Dirty pain is when you hold on to hurts and nurse them. I knew this hike was about letting go of that dirty pain, the shame of being vulnerable. I did nothing wrong. I am who I am. I was just being Hanna. The guilt lies with this person, not me. 

When the remembrance arises now, I affirm what is true, rather than nurse the dirty pain. More revelation and acceptance is needed, but God maps the revelation and healing and this is as far as I got. I share this as an example of the true cathartic experience of walking with God — meditating. It's a conversation, not a ritual.

On that note, it's 7:28 and time to log in for work. 

Pausing to appreciate the gifts.