Things I did wrong when my daughter was struggling with her mental health

 

When your teenage daughter is hurting, you want to fix it. My daughter wrestled with OCD, which led to crippling anxiety, and then deep depression. 

Her healing is ongoing but amazingly, she is making significant headway. With her permission,  I'm sharing some hindsight that I hope helps and maybe discomforts parents, if need be. 

I am not a mental health professional. But if someone would've shared this wisdom with me, perhaps we all would've suffered less. Who knows? I can be pretty stubborn.

So here goes. 

1. "It’s a phase." "She's being dramatic." "It's not that bad." The reality? She was trying to keep a brave face up for us, for her coaches, her teachers, her friends, and her family. She tried to ignore the struggle. She hid the struggle. She did the positive self-talk. My daughter was a solid B student, outgoing, wrestling, and practicing Jiu-Jitsu at a local gym.  Then one day, she couldn't go to the gym. Then, she couldn't exercise. Then, she couldn't attend church. Then, she couldn't go to school. Then, she wanted to die. Yes, she was a teenager, but the facts were undeniable. She wasn't devising a plan to skip out on life. She was losing herself, losing her way, losing hope. 

2. "I can help." I did help, a little. But my determination to make things better sometimes made them worse, especially when it came to her particular OCD. I kept looking for a silver bullet. There’s no silver bullet. It’s a journey - her journey. I didn't and still don’t have the answer. Healing takes time. It hurts. And most of all, it really hurts. I worried, was anxious, and mother-hen'd the hell out of it. In hindsight, I needed to stop trying to make her better and just listen and comfort her. I needed to get a counselor for her, for me, and talk with a friend. I needed to step away and breathe. But I didn't have the faith to do that. I kept thinking I could help. Eventually, I had to surrender all my efforts, pain, worry, anxiety, and fear to God. I couldn't handle it. 

3. "She needs more activities, hobbies, a job..." Every mental health journey is different. My daughter didn't need more pressure, she needed less. I pushed and prodded, encouraged, "purchased", and threatened, all in attempts to modify her behavior to what was "normal". In hindsight, I am sad and ashamed that I questioned her sincerity and waited too long to get her a counselor. But again, I believed fervently in 1 & 2. 

4. "She needs more faith." This one really hurts. I am a person of deep faith and conviction. Prayer and faith have helped me through incredible challenges. But a facet of my daughter's OCD revolved around her faith, religion (in general), morality, and convictions. Can you imagine your mind challenging your beliefs about yourself? She was in excruciating mental anguish. 

5. "Using medication is a cheat." "Medication is the answer." All I can say is don't judge. Ask a lot of questions. Don't think a Ph.D. trumps commonsense. Get a second or third opinion. And remember, you and your child can always change your minds. 

I'm trying to think how to wrap this up but it's not the end. It's part of life and living. And in our house, we're all learning, every day. I am so thankful for the counselors, friends, and prayers of family and loved ones. 

Mostly, we're just happy our daughter has found hope, her smile and laugh, her strength, discipline, and her passions. She continues to show courage, asking the hard questions of herself, seeking truth and a life that she can really call her own. 

I’m here to listen and to offer a shoulder, tears, a walk, or distracting activity for any parent who is struggling.