Can You Say That Again?

I never want to miss out on anything good. 

Especially when it comes to the amazing gifts from God, like opportunities to hear His voice, see His handiwork or be His hands and feet. But today, I felt like I couldn't make it into church. I was too messed up, still struggling to learn how to wait, slow down, be still.  I wasn't hating on myself but just didn't know what to do, how to stop repeating my failures. 

I had spent the previous night planning our trip to Montana, lights, cabins, and my separate trip to Glacier to backpack. It was a lot of work and I thought I had done it right — reserved the right cabin, right dates for flights, and using a voucher from last year's canceled trip.  I was excited to take this off my plate. Gratefully, I put my head on the pillow and realized I hadn't checked our trip dates against the family calendar. Dread and disappointment flooded over me when I realized I planned our trip over my niece's wedding day. How could I screw this up when I had worked so hard not to?

I tossed and turned all night. It was easy enough to cancel everything from a financial standpoint, but I again failed to be mindful of the details. How could I do this? So much wasted energy and time! And with life and work as it is now, I have neither to spare. Indeed, I am in deficit.  Even now, it brings tears to my eyes. 

Sunday morning arrived and the tasks began to rectify the mistakes. I didn't want to go to church. Every week I come exhausted and weary of the challenges of life.  I don't want to feel this way. On Saturday, I was full of hope and energy...until I failed. But dutiful to the command, I went after I picked up a latte with an extra shot of espresso. Showing up late, I sat in the entryway, just close enough to hear the sermon but where no one could see me. I just couldn't put on the 'game face' that I thought I should have. 

Of course, God did not disappoint. He met me where I was, exhausted, empty, and discouraged. Through our pastor, words of truth emanated and emancipated:

The spirit indeed is eager, but human nature is weak.

But we have this treasure in clay jars, so that it will be evident that such overwhelming power comes from God and not from us. 

I've heard these words a thousand times, maybe more. But I really needed to hear them again today. Like hearing my husband say, "I love you," I need God's words said to me over and over. It's oxygen for my spirit. 

So, I will again submit to Him and wait, and hope, and watch for Him to make the miracle.