Self-Curiosity

A friend challenged me today to be curious about myself.

It struck me as so odd. Like an unexpected taste on the palette. My mind scattered when I thought about what this could mean, how it could be attempted, why I should even try, or am I already doing this?

Two paths come to mind when I consider curiosity - one positive and free-flowing, and the other exhausting and grueling. 

I am naturally curious, very curious. Always with my eyes open, reading, asking questions, looking for connections and patterns, with a focus on external subjects and experiences, more information gathering, and exploration, usually without the element of personal application or growth. 

The grueling path has been a personal non-favorite but well-worn. I've done a significant amount of introspection, trying to figure out why I do and feel certain things.  In particular, why I say things and more importantly, don't say things. As a young adult, I needed to come to terms with my family history, and it was quite an undertaking. Today, I find myself easily bored or conversely, overwhelmed when I introspect. At almost 49 years old, the journey feels tedious and beset with the landmines of condemnation and unrealistic expectations. It's sticky and a real mire, and while important, I don't think this is the path my friend is wanting me to go down. She is speaking of the free-flowing path, one that is affirming and building, rather than deconstructing. 

So how do I become curious about myself?  Is it a checklist? Favorite color? Favorite food? Countries I want to see? I don't think so. I believe she speaks of a curiosity that has no agenda or call to action, moving into woods and waters for no better reason than 'there they are so why not?' It includes a willingness to screw up, fail, end up off-course, and lost — basically, everything that feels like death to a type-A planner who's unhappily satisfied with lots of non-essential busy work. No wonder my brain blew up when I read her challenge. For me, it's the hard work of be-ing rather than do-ing.  

But I would rather go into the unknown than stay in a known wasteland so I accept the curiosity challenge. And I know just where to start — with my creative heart. Affirming, building, and becoming aware of me by doing the things that intrinsically reveal and express who I am.  Whether anyone ever sees, reads, or hears these artistic endeavors is inconsequential. The value is the journey.